Wednesday, June 15, 2011

You Can Do This

A lot of people have done videos for this, but it's just far too loud in this house for that. I don't know how to start this off, but diabetes sucks, to put it bluntly. I was diagnosed in 2005 at the age of 18, it had been only 3-4 months since graduating high school. When I was first diagnosed I was on top of everything, checking blood glucose numbers, taking insulin etc. But the longer it went on, I became aware of the fact that this was forever. All I thought about was death, amputations, going blind and every other complication that comes with it.

I looked at the negative side of diabetes and ended up being a miserable, depressed, rude person. I recently talked to my mother and told her, "for a long time I was very sad and lonely, because I was the only person I knew of that had Type 1 Diabetes, all I thought about was dying every single day." Even she said she couldn't tell, she had no idea how depressed I was. I never spoke to anyone about my depression, I would put on the "everything is ok" face and smile and laugh. But after, I would go to my room, put on headphones, listen to music and just wish I was dead. I thought about possible ways I could die. Overdose on insulin was the first to come to mind. The fact that that is so easy to do, and I thought about it so much is terrifying.

Being in that state of mind led to going DKA, my blood sugar was 1200 in the ER. And just thinking how big of a number that was made me feel like I didn't deserve to live, because I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. I wish I looked for people to talk to, instead of distancing myself from my friends, my family, and being a rude, depressed person to everyone. Having that DKA episode made me realize I am here for a reason greater than myself, I don't know what it is yet, but I'm perfectly comfortable with it if that reason was to tell you that no matter how much shit you're going through and how miserable you are that there are people who understand, and You Can Do This.

11 comments:

  1. DeeJay, thank you for sharing this! I've battled depression on and off for years and only recently realized it was because I felt so alone with the emotional burden of the forever of Type 1 diabetes. You can do this. If I can, you can. And if you can, I can. Hugs!

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  2. Dude,

    Great Post, You`ve come a long way, Congrats, You deserve it... #YCDT

    P...

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  3. Dusting, you're an amazing guy, remember that. I too also hid it very well but it sucks because you want to be happy but at that time you just feel like you cant. Im glad you found a way out of that mental mess and are doing great now :)

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  4. Thanks for sharing something so personal. Diabetes is an up and down battle, but we all deal with it in our own ways and with the help of others who love us and understand. I'm glad things turned around for you and that YOU know you can do this. :)

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  5. It IS depressing and hard, but we should take some pride in how strong we are because of D. I too was 18 during diagnosis...though it was back in the day before the DOC existed. I felt the loneliness you talk about. I hope you feel as strong and supported as I finally do (took about 16yrs for me to feel it)...WE CAN DO THIS Dustin!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

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  6. how did i miss this when you published it? thanks for sharing your story, my friend. you have an incredible one, and it's really going to help people. so happy to have met you and have you in the DOC!

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  7. Ditto what Jess said. So glad I found your blog!

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  8. I don't know how it took me this long to find your post (I guess I didn't see it on the link list??), but thank you so much for sharing your story! The depression, the suicidal thoughts, the feeling of hopelessness - you are not alone in having left those things. And now, thanks to your willingness to share, someone else out there will realize that, too.

    Thank you.

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  9. Wow. You’ve emerged from a very dark place. I’m so glad you did. And thank you for sharing. You’re awesome.

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  10. I debated whether or not I should call myself out on blog lurking right now, but I'm gonna do it anyway. No one has ever made me smile like you do. I'm so glad that you survived all of this and got yourself out of the dark place. And I'm so SO glad that you're here ;)))

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  11. so.... do you think you've figured out the reason you survived yet? <333

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