Wednesday, June 15, 2011

You Can Do This

A lot of people have done videos for this, but it's just far too loud in this house for that. I don't know how to start this off, but diabetes sucks, to put it bluntly. I was diagnosed in 2005 at the age of 18, it had been only 3-4 months since graduating high school. When I was first diagnosed I was on top of everything, checking blood glucose numbers, taking insulin etc. But the longer it went on, I became aware of the fact that this was forever. All I thought about was death, amputations, going blind and every other complication that comes with it.

I looked at the negative side of diabetes and ended up being a miserable, depressed, rude person. I recently talked to my mother and told her, "for a long time I was very sad and lonely, because I was the only person I knew of that had Type 1 Diabetes, all I thought about was dying every single day." Even she said she couldn't tell, she had no idea how depressed I was. I never spoke to anyone about my depression, I would put on the "everything is ok" face and smile and laugh. But after, I would go to my room, put on headphones, listen to music and just wish I was dead. I thought about possible ways I could die. Overdose on insulin was the first to come to mind. The fact that that is so easy to do, and I thought about it so much is terrifying.

Being in that state of mind led to going DKA, my blood sugar was 1200 in the ER. And just thinking how big of a number that was made me feel like I didn't deserve to live, because I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. I wish I looked for people to talk to, instead of distancing myself from my friends, my family, and being a rude, depressed person to everyone. Having that DKA episode made me realize I am here for a reason greater than myself, I don't know what it is yet, but I'm perfectly comfortable with it if that reason was to tell you that no matter how much shit you're going through and how miserable you are that there are people who understand, and You Can Do This.